Monday, June 14, 2010

Falling Away

It's been a really long time since I posted. I fell away from God for a pretty good chunk of time, not something I'm proud of but there you go. As painful as it was, it taught me alot. I never understood how someone could fall away from God after being so close with Him. Now I understand that its a slow process- for example, I started being so focused on school, I kept forgetting to pray or read. I thought, "Once summer starts, it'll get better." But it didn't. That's what started the slow process of falling away. After that, it was all on me. Because I hadn't been close to God for such a long time, I started to get used to it. At first it hurt to be away from Him. It felt like my spirit was raw. But after a while. it didn't hurt so much anymore. Until it came to trying to go back to God. That was painful. First I was hit with the realization of how far I had gotten, then the guilt. I would ask for forgiveness and hope that this time would be different from the others. It usually wasn't. So I would fall back again.

Then came a situation I put myself in. It was a situation that I swore to myself that I would never EVER be in.. but there I was. Right in the middle of it. I won't get into specifics here, those closest to me know what I'm talking about. It could have been much worse than it actually was, but it was bad for me. Once out of the situation, I hated myself for letting myself get to that point. After that I still tried to go back to God and now it was excruciating. It felt like acid was being poured on my insides. I still never stayed with God for very long. In the books Black, Red and White by Ted Dekker, he portrays our relationship with God in an interesting way:

The book is about the main character falling into a dream world that is somehow connected to this reality, only it’s a completely different world. One in which your walk with God is physical rather than spiritual. In this world, you must bath in this certain body of water in order to remain pure. If you go too long without bathing in this water, your skin turns scabby and it is extremely painful. However once you get pass the first few days of it, the pain recedes and you become comfortable within the scabbiness, not only that but it also starts to be appealing. If you decide to come back to God, you must bath in the water. To do this is beyond painful. It burns as if it isn’t water, but actually acid. But once you are clean again, you realize how dangerous it is to not bath every day.
This is THE best explanation I’ve ever seen about how it feels to be with God, fall away from God, and then come back to God. Anyway...

FINALLY one night it worked. I was in tears talking to God again. And for some reason, this time was different. I still have some off days but nothing like it was before. I can read the bible and find something beautiful every time now. I can't stop drinking it in. It's quite wonderful. Now, I keep getting fascinated with topics like judging and forgiveness that I can't stop reading up on them. By the way, Blue Like Jazz is a very good book to read concerning judging. Actually its a really good book in general. The author's style is a little strange but funny in a way. I think the first few chapters are tough to get through but after that, its amazing.